Last letter from Joe

 Hey, Bev

Laura told me she filled you in on all that's happened these last weeks. That's why I've been out of touch, nothing to do with what you wrote last. I haven't been able to find myself, let alone find words to put together or motivation to try. This'll be short. I guess you know Mom had COVID. It was fast, less than two weeks she went from feeling just a little fatigued and slight cough to on a machine for oxygenation. Then they said she needed a lung transplant. There was never much chance of getting that at her age. To say it broke us all would be an understatement. Dad is lost. She wasn't just his eyes, she was his anchor. He's with Liz now, and she's overwhelmed. That's my oldest sister. You never met her I don't think. She was already at Ledward when we were at Bridges. She's overwhelmed and pissed, and mostly at me. She's the only one who'll say it, but most of them are probably thinking it. I should have been there. Not just while Mom was ill, but I should be there now helping bear the burden. And their lives already felt interrupted from worry over my situation and trying to help keep everything afloat. She's not wrong, Liz. She blew up during our last conversation and said I had no idea how much worry and embarrassment I put Mom through and thinks it lowered her resistance to the virus. The way she actually said it was, "It wasn't just Mom's lungs that couldn't stand up to COVID, it was her heart, because it was already breaking because of you and your bullshit." Words I'll never stop hearing. I know you know how my mom was. As good as they come. What you said about fond memories of her welcoming you into our home and always making you feel equal and not out of place, that wasn't just your impression. That's just who she was, to everyone. You may not know this about her, but she was fighting for Civil Rights in the city way back in the late '50s in college. Her parents were anything but progressive, but she somehow figured her way to the notion that all people should be equal under the law and having access. She never stopped being involved in civic causes, even when Dad's health failed. She was still out there at rallies and city council meetings. That was Mom. She raised us to be color blind and active citizens. And she was once proud of us all. These last months she didn't say a lot to me, because it wasn't her way to not let people be who they are, but I know she wasn't happy with me. She loved me as fiercely as always, of course. But she said more than once she didn't understand my approach. That's as close as Mom would ever get to saying she was disappointed in someone. Her heart was golden and she left this earth with that heaviness on it. So, now here I sit with that. 

Joe